Because I’ve seen some people make some false equivalences.
So here we have our pining hero. It’s nighttime, and this show LOVES to set stormy personal confrontations between two characters at night, particularly ones dealing with the romantic department (psst, it’s the moon symbolism).
In “The Waterbending Master,” Sokka engages in a tentative courtship with Yue, who returns his affections, but sends him some mixed signals. This culminates in the moment when she suddenly bursts into tears and runs away upon witnessing Pakku talk about his arranged marriage to Kanna. Sokka then goes after her so that he can comfort her and they talk about their relationship.
In “Ember Island Players,” Aang gets increasingly angry about his onscreen portrayal in the play, until he suddenly stands up and rushes outside. Katara goes to find and comfort him, and they talk about their relationship.
Yue: What do you want from me?
Sokka: Nothing. I just want you to know, I think you’re beautiful, and, I never thought a girl like you would even notice a guy like me.
Yue: You don’t understand.
Yue asks Sokka what he wants, and Sokka says he wants nothing. He wants to know her, and obviously he is hoping for more, but he doesn’t impose anything on her. He is modest and humble, straightforward and honest, and doesn’t assume that she should return his affection for her.
Aang: Katara, did you really mean what you said in there?
Katara: In where? What are you talking about?
Aang: On stage, when you said I was just like a … brother to you, and you didn’t have feelings for me.
Katara: I didn’t say that. An actor said that.
Aang: But it’s true, isn’t it? We kissed at the Invasion, and I thought we were gonna be together. But we’re not.
In the scene between Aang and Katara, in contrast, Aang immediately confronts Katara and places the burden of his feelings on her. He accuses her of saying something she didn’t say and Katara at first doesn’t even know what she is being accused of. He then makes assumptions about her feelings and their relationship, putting the onus on her to be responsible for his hurt feelings. I never thought a girl like you would even notice me vs I thought we were gonna be together.
Both Aang and Sokka misunderstand their love interests in this situation, but the difference is that Sokka makes no assumptions about Yue’s feelings, and she actually reciprocates. Aang makes accusations towards Katara and she does not reciprocate.
Sokka: No, no. See, that’s the thing. I think I do understand now. You’re a Princess, and I’m … I’m just a Southern peasant.
Yue: No, Sokka …
Sokka: It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. I’ll see you around, okay?
Sokka is fully prepared for Yue to say no, and tells her that it’s okay if she does. He accepts whatever reason she wants to give for turning him down, even if it’s a bad reason.
Katara: Aang, I don’t know.
Aang: Why don’t you know?
Katara: Because, we’re in the middle of a war, and, we have other things to worry about. This isn’t the right time.
Aang: Well, when is the right time?
Katara: Aang, I’m sorry, but right now I’m just a little confused.
Sokka tries to understand Yue’s perspective, while Aang can’t seem to understand Katara’s. Whereas Sokka gives Yue room to say no, Aang puts pressure on Katara, which naturally makes her feel less sure about her feelings for him and less inclined to reciprocate. You don’t have to say anything vs Why don’t you know? And I’ll see you around vs Well, when is the right time?
And then there’s the kiss.
Neither Yue nor Aang asked for consent. Both their partners are surprised. But body language and dialogue and actual clarity about what the two characters feel for each other make all the difference.
Katara’s body language during the conversation with Aang before the kiss is very closed-off and uncomfortable. She has her arms crossed, she’s fidgety, she’s turned away from Aang or only half turned towards him. And after the kiss, she pulls away immediately and looks visibly uncomfortable.
Then angry.
Katara: I just said I was confused!
Contrast that with Yue and Sokka:
Sokka: Okay, now I’m really confused. Happy, but confused.
Do we really need to explain the difference between angry confused and happy confused? Kissing Yue was clearly something Sokka wanted, and he doesn’t pull away from Yue afterwards. Contrast that with Katara immediately pulling away, putting her hand over her mouth like she’s shocked at what Aang just did, and running away in anger and hurt.
What Aang did was a violation of Katara’s consent, and is treated like one. Katara is upset afterwards, Aang reprimands himself afterwards, and they become more distant with each other afterwards until the finale when they suddenly decided they lurve each other. Yue explains to Sokka that she does like him a lot but that they can’t be together, although their feelings for each other only continue to grow from there.
Yue also shows an incredible amount of maturity when she tells Sokka that they can’t just be friends, because she has romantic feelings for him and it’s too confusing for her, and because she knows that even though Sokka is willing to be friends, he is hoping for something more. Contrast that with Aang being unwilling to accept Katara seeing him as a friend or little brother and seeing those statements as the worst thing in the world, vs his onstage actor declaring that he’s perfectly content with Katara’s friendship and that being treated like an insult.
The thing is, that this doesn’t even have to be a contest. Aang knew he was in the wrong for kissing Katara in that scene. He could have apologized, he could have decided that he was happy with being friends with Katara because his relationship with her was more important than his attraction to her. He could have made the decision that it would be too confusing and upsetting to be friends with her if he couldn’t be in a relationship with her. Imagine that playing a part in Aang’s path to enlightenment in the finale. Imagine him reaching a purer love for Katara and then Katara choosing to be with him romantically after they both have a stronger understanding of their relationship.
“Ember Island Players” just…really drops the ball in the romantic department, and craps on both Yukka and Sukka at the same time, by making a cheap joke out of Sokka’s grief over Yue.
I love Sukka, and one of the things that is great about it is that they actually communicate well and their relationship is not written as a source of drama. Most of the time. In “Ember Island Players,” though, we get this scene where Sokka shushes Suki, who obviously has no idea why Sokka is mooning (heh) over this other girl and gets offended by it, while Sokka is clearly upset. This is an especially weird scene since Sokka and Suki had a conversation about Yue and Sokka’s grief previously. Suki’s comment that she didn’t know Sokka made out with the moon spirit shows that she clearly didn’t know that Yue was the girl that he lost before. Suki is painted as a jealous, jilted caricature and Sokka’s grief is made fun of.
When I first noticed this, I looked through the transcript of the episode, because surely Sokka and Suki have a conversation about it later. They do talk later, but do they talk about this? No, they talk about Suki sneaking Sokka backstage to give jokes to his actor. Of course.
One time a friend told me that if she wanted to have a chill night she would come to me and ask for tea and a book to read. I didn’t like tea at the time, but I always made sure my cupboards had them in case she needed a quiet night. One time I told my boss that I loved oranges, but couldn’t peel them because of my nails. For a year he made sure to peel me one at least once a week. Once my friends gave me a made up superlative of “most likely to have a pen they could borrow” and ever since I’ve made sure I always carry a pen with me. A long time ago, my high school librarian told me that no one would care what my grade in my sophomore chemistry class was if I’m bringing them doughnuts and asking them about their day.
Sometimes friendship is about carrying pens and peeling oranges. But the point is, surrounding yourself with people who you want to do the little things for. The point of it all is bringing in the doughnuts because you’ve found the people who deserve the doughnuts.
And I’m so fucking lucky, and I don’t always say it or even think it. Because I have friends who send me letters and who told me when the cafeteria at work had chopped tomatoes and who want to watch Scream with me and it just hits me sometimes that this world can do the ugliest things to people, but as long as I still have a friend who will point out dogs on the sidewalks to me then I have something amazing to live for. And as long as I have pals who I want to make peppermint bark for, then I have a reason to keep pushing this world to be better.
suggestions for gender neutral version of mom/dad? something less formal than just ‘parent’
please note that while progenitor, guardian, spawnpoint etc are all respected titles, they are more the equivalent of mother/father than an affectionate nickname you would scream through the house multiple times a day. gimme something we can use people
I just tried to combine the words and got “dom” and i cant-
but wait, if we reverse ‘dom’ you get ‘mod’. I suggest we use ‘moderator’ as a gender neutral version of mom/dad
Admin and op would work makes them sound powerful and in charge of everything
Admin (respectful) Op (derogatory)
i was going to add something else to this but instead i got to thinking and i was like huh. what could you use.
in most languages the word for ‘mother’ usually starts with an M, because phonetically [m] is one of the easiest sounds for a newborn to make when they start babbling, and mothers tend to be the one most around the child. so in my mind that crosses M off the list, because it’s automatically associated with a feminine figure
similarly, ‘father’ tends to start with D, T, P, or B. (phonetically these sounds are very close together; [p, b] and [d, t] are all only different because of being voiced or unvoiced.) these are also phonetically easy letters and ones kids pick up on earlier.
now the hard sounds for kids are the following: [ɹ, d͡ʒ, tʃ, θ, ð] or in normal speak: the English R, the “j” or “dge” sound in “judge,” the “th” sound in “thigh” and the “th” sound in “the.” and we don’t want kids unable to say their parent’s name for years, so those are also off the list.
additionally, it’s easiest for young kids to just repeat the same sound twice rather than figuring out the tongue gymnastics of putting different sounds together, which is why kids will say Ma-Ma or Da-Da and not Ma-Mo or Da-Po. and we’ll want to stick with low back vowels like “ah” and avoid ones like the hard “i” or “ee.”
so what does that leave us? when we want a sound kids can learn easily and early but don’t want to just put a funky spin on “mama” or “dada”?
my suggestions: G, K, W, L. i personally lean towards W and L. they’re called liquids, since they’re the consonants that kind of aren’t consonants, and kids (and ESL learners) will tend to swap out the English R for a W or L until they can learn the R.
if i ever have a child, they’ll start calling me Wawa. then when they get older, they’ll call me Wala, or maybe even Wally.
and then, once they’re finally phonetically developed, they can call me by my true title as their nonbinary guardian for their 18+ years:
Waluigi.
Okay, but on an actually serious note, Baba is used in several different languages, but the meaning changes between mother, father, or grandparent. However, it is not used in English afaik, so it could be a good English option.
baba is what I use as a nonbinary parent (it has a long history for butches!) and this post hit me like a two-by-four to the back of the goddamn HEAD
How about Tata, because no matter what, they’re gonna try to latch onto a nipple
wait wait wait, do babies try to latch on to the nipples of non-lactating parents too? is this a thing? do babies just automatically zero in on any nipple in the vicinity, regardless of the presence of breasts or breast milk?is this an experience cis men deal with I need to KNOW
UPDATE: based on the notes the answer is a resounding YES!!!
I can’t speak to cis men’s experience, but my house has this kind of lamp, and my progeny were both very fascinated by it whenever I would carry them under one of them.
The lamp thing is legit, I’ve discussed it with so many fellow breastfeeding parents. The weirdest one for me was when my son latched onto the tied knot of a balloon.
I am so so grateful I decided to scroll through the tags:
oh fantastic tags:
#maud #when i was little i called both my parents mom/dad mixture i didn’t know who i wanted so just who ever came first to me yelling that
